“No child is as present as the child who is missed “
Our daughter Esther was born on October 28, 1975. It soon became clear that something was wrong and after investigation it appeared that she had a
brain disorder. This was caused by a toxoplasmosis infection during Anneke’s pregnancy, probably as a result of cleaning a litter box. We were painfully unaware of this risk and were never warned about it. When Esther was 14 days old, she was operated, after which an improvement appeared for a short time. At the end of November we were even allowed to take her home, which we were naturally very happy about. The joy, however, was short; Esther became very ill shortly thereafter and on November 30 we brought her to the hospital where she died at night, without us being there. I don’t have to explain that our world collapsed then
Now, so many years later, that time is still very clear to us. The loss of a child is so drastic and painful that you will carry it for the rest of your life. We later found that processing such an event is very important and that sorrow cannot be repressed. When we ask whether and how many children we have, we always name Esther as well as Jeroen and Peter, because we feel she takes that place and she belongs to our family. Below is a poem for Esther that I made for her years ago.
Anneke and Rijn Schellevis
Esther
Dear child, I want to tell you
of that unrest in my body
about thoughts that torment my
feelings about which I am writing here
I remember you were born
how small you were, and very delicate
we had to hear very soon
that you were very sick; it hurt us so much
We were young and distraught
still with hope inside
but sometimes nature is relentless
you couldn’t beat that
It must have been hard for your mother
that you carried in yourself for 8 months
your lifeline and your caregiver
it is unimaginable, I am afraid
Sometimes I feel something of guilt
“Was your disease preventable?”
I know, it serves no purpose
but it sometimes pops up in my dreams
What a tough time we got
when your candle was extinguished
because losing the pain of a child
grows further in your head
Your two brothers were born after you
they gave our lives a lot of meaning again
but your name also often appears
you have your place within us
Your short life has done a lot with us
You have always stayed in our family
even though we had to let you go
Health is a blessing
we don’t always realize it
it was not given to you
rest in peace, my little girl
Rijn
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